This message is to be put on the voice mail shortly, eliminating the need for 
real live people:

  Thank you for calling the Canadian Forces. I am sorry, but all our units are out 
at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please press '1' to leave a message, 
with your country, name of  organisation, region, details of the specific crisis, 
and a number where we can reach you. As soon as we have sorted out Indonesia, 
the Balkans, Iraq, marauding Chinese refugees, the combat bra, the Millenium 
bug, marching up and down the streets of Toronto with snow shovels and 
compulsory Diversity Training, we will return your call.

  Please speak after the tone. For other services, please listen to the following 
options:

  If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press '2' for the Canadian Navy.

  If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate and good hotels and can be 
solved by one or  two low risk bombing runs, please press '3' for the Canadian 
Air Force. Please note that this service is not available after 16:30 hours or on 
weekends.

  If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of rifle drill, 
a color party and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to 
the Commanding Officer, The Ceremonial Guard, Ottawa, Ontario.

  If your enquiry is not urgent, please press '4' for the 2 CMBG Quick Reaction 
Force.

  Only if you are in real, hot trouble, then press '5' and your call will be routed to 
the Royal Canadian Army Cadets.

  If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid little, 
have premature  arthritis, put your life partner and family in a condemned hut 
miles from civilsation, and are  prepared to work your butt off daily, risking your 
life in all weathers and terrain, both day and night, whilst watching the Treasury 
Board erode your original terms and conditions of service, them please stay on 
the line. Your call will shortly be taken by a bitter passed-over Recruiting 
sargeant in a strip mall somewhere in Newfoundland.

  Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the Canadian 
Forces.

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