In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know
you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question:
Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you
have realized, that have helped to define you as a person? 

	I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice.
I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them
more efficient in the area of heat retention.  I translate ethnic slurs for
Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. 
	I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can
pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes.  I am an expert in stucco, a
veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. 
	Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army
ants.  I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject
of numerous documentaries.  When I'm bored, I build large suspension
bridges in my yard.  I enjoy urban hang gliding.  On Wednesdays, after
school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. 
	I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear.  I
don't perspire.  I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail.  I have
been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes.  Last summer I
toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration.  I bat
.400.  My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international
botany circles.  Children trust me. 
	I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly
accuracy.  I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in
one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.
I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket.  I have
performed several covert operations for the CIA.  I sleep once a week; when
I do sleep, I sleep in a chair.  While on vacation in Canada, I
successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small
bakery.  The laws of physics do not apply to me. 
	I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.
On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. 
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.  
I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a 
toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams.  I have won bullfights in San 
Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the 
Kremlin.  I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I 
have spoken with Elvis. 

But I have not yet gone to college.

Joke Index Homepage